I went for my dreaded appointment with the maternal fetal medicine doctor all alone. Traffic was pretty light so I got there super early and had plenty of time to just sit and wait. Torture!! I didn't wanna be there in the first place!! I have been praying non stop but honestly I haven't been too optimistic. And I have been honest with God about my lack of faith with this, but still continued to pray non stop for my hearts desire (which of course was a Happy, Healthy, NORMAL baby) Anyways I sat in my car feeling very lonely and scared and just plain nausous at the thought of going to this appt and seeing my baby on that screen again. I finally get up the nerve to go inside and wait in the doctor waiting room. Siting in the waiting room my nausea from all the anxiety was really getting to me. About the time I really felt like I needed to head straight the nearest trash can they called my name to take me back. I felt like a little kid being taking back against my will to get my wellness immunizations. Inside I was kicking and screaming I didnt wanna go back and see this man again AT ALL. I dont wanna be here to for another saddening appt about how sick my baby is and blah blah blah. How many times can you really listen to that?? The doctor came in almost immediately which was great cause I was so anxoius. I was ready to bolt at any second. He starts the sono to check the full anatomy of the baby. He shows me the baby's hands and man the detail was amazing, you could see almost every joint in the hand. He shows me every square inch of my baby. It was amazing to see how much it is truely a little tiny person in there! Every new shot he is showing me he tells me how perfect the baby is. Finally I just couldn't stand it anymore and blurt out ... "The HYGROMA ... What about the hygroma??" He freezes the sono picture of the baby's spine on the screen sits the sonogram wand thingy down and looks me right in the eye and very seriously says it's amazing, it has completely dissolved. There is not a trace what so ever of the Hygroma or any other birth defect for that matter. He looked kinda blank and weird. I asked him "So she is ok now?" and he says Yes. He begins to show me on the sono where the hygroma was before and that there is no evidence that there was ever anything there now on this new sono picture. He tells me he was really hoping since I had decided to keep the pregnacy going that the hygroma would slowing dissolve but that it was just unheard of for a hygroma that large to dissappear so fast. WOW REALLY??? I just about fell outta the chair!
Dr. Weiss released me to go down and see my regular OB for my usual follow up with him. By this point I'm texting every single person in my phone the GREAT NEWS. I'm sitting in Dr. Jordan's office waiting to see him and I just couldn't stop smiling and just continuously thanking God for my miracle. I get back to see the doctor and he of course is all smiles as usual. He ask how I'm feeling and then ask what Dr. Weis had to say. I proudly proclaimed "He said the baby is perfectly normal" He looks at me oddly and just kinda says "Oh yeah?" then ask about the hygroma. I said with a big smile "Dr. Weiss said it has completely dissolved!" Dr. Jordan seemed a bit confused and asked for the report form the other doctor. As he is reading he just kinda smiles and says "Wow your right there is no evidence of the hygroma at all!" I said "I know, I have had everyone I know praying!" His response was "Praise God, I am a believer myself and prayer does work." Now the report is just as good as any other pregnancy.
PRAISE GOD!! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME! AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART!!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Taking life day by day
I haven't blogged in a long time. I have been busy packing, moving, and now unpacking. JOY! I have been back to OB only one time so far. Just a regular ol check up. Baby's heartbeat sounded good and all my bloodwork was good. But as for all the other stuff I gotta wait and see the specialist again. That wont be until the 26th and I just keep praying for the best. Need more good news! Despite the good news on my CVS I have been really pessimistic about this whole pregnancy. And I never admit it out loud but sometimes I almost just like to pretend I'm not pregnant. This whole pregnancy still scares the crap outta me. And every single ache or pain or strange feeling I have, in the back of my mind I think "OMG I just KNOW I'm having a miscarriage" And I'm constantly in the back of mind preparing myself for a miscarraige. For example I prepare the conversation in my head on how I will explain it to my 4 yr old daughter or who I will give all my baby stuff to. Does that make me crazy? I know it sounds ridiculas and it even sounds kinda silly reading that I just wrote that. BUT its the truth. And I am glad to have it out. Maybe that will help me deal a little better.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Miracles
Dr. finally called. I had already given up on getting any news today and was dreading going the whole weekend in fear of the unknown. I was waiting on like 3 different doctors to call me back today so i answered every single call that came across my phone. Usually ended up being a sales call or even better a bill collector. Then at 3:34 pm on Fri March 11th Finally I got the call.
"May I speak to Kristen"
-"This is her"
"Kristen this is Dr. Weiss"
OMG here it is!!! Doctor states there is no chromosomal disorder present. PRAISE GOD!!!! I wanted to scream!! I am absolutely ecstatic. They have me set up to do a scan of some sort at the end of this month to check the baby's anatomy and heart. And I will have to continue to have the specialist follow this pregnancy. But I am totally fine with that.
Just a miracle baby in the making here. The doctors were telling me to terminate this pregnancy cause they were soooo sure, cause of the size of the cystic hygroma, that there was absolutely a chromosomal disorder. WRONG!! GOD is GOOD all the time. My faith took a huge beating this week but this is my praise report and I will continue to pray that the rest of these test and the remainder of this pregnancy will be fine and healthy and normal.
"May I speak to Kristen"
-"This is her"
"Kristen this is Dr. Weiss"
OMG here it is!!! Doctor states there is no chromosomal disorder present. PRAISE GOD!!!! I wanted to scream!! I am absolutely ecstatic. They have me set up to do a scan of some sort at the end of this month to check the baby's anatomy and heart. And I will have to continue to have the specialist follow this pregnancy. But I am totally fine with that.
Just a miracle baby in the making here. The doctors were telling me to terminate this pregnancy cause they were soooo sure, cause of the size of the cystic hygroma, that there was absolutely a chromosomal disorder. WRONG!! GOD is GOOD all the time. My faith took a huge beating this week but this is my praise report and I will continue to pray that the rest of these test and the remainder of this pregnancy will be fine and healthy and normal.
The torture of waiting
Today is the day I should get my results from the CVS testing. This waiting is torture. I pray that I get a call today and dont have to wait till Monday. I havent been to work in a week. Monday - my "bad news sonogram"
Tuesday - day of just denial and anger
Wednesday - the dreaded test
Thursday - recooperation.
TODAY - well TORTURE
This whole week I have done nothing but lay in my 4yr old daughters bed in the fetal position and sleep and cry. I know it sound really pathetic and I guess it is. I just close the door so no one else can see cause I am ashamed of my behavior.
I finally got my daughter back home with me yesterday and I was so excited I missed her so much. I never spend anytime away from her. She is my little mini me. Everywhere I go, she goes and I love it that way. Sure it is stressful sometimes but that is parenthood. I am trying to keep this mini depression spell under control cause I know I need to be a mom to her. As much as I wanna resort back and be the baby and let it all be about me and my pain and fears, I can't. And its hard!! Anyways I picked her up early from daycare and took her out for ice cream!! Trying to just loose myself in mommyhood with her. But the mall was literally filled with stay at home moms wheeling their babies around in strollers using their other hand to hold their toddlers hand. I know you prob think i just noticed it more just cause of my situation but NO! I opened the door to the ice cream shop and a woman was coming out with newborn triplets BAM right there in my face and it just progressed from there. I just sat in that ice cream shop watching all these happy mothers and trying not to cry and constantly rushing my daughter to finish her blue raspberry sorbet cone. Then she wanted to go play on the play ground but I just couldnt. I wanted to go back home in my dark room and cry. OMG I feel like such a failure as her mother all over again just writing this.
I know I gotta be strong but it is so hard!! I pray constantly. But sadly my faith is so broken right now...I just don't know what or how to pray for what I need. I pray and then constantly second guess myself and my motives and my life. I pray the test results will come back normal and this is all just some crazy nightmare but then immediately turn around and cant stop thinking about what the Dr have said and how mine and MK life may turn out or even what if I loose this baby. I want that crazy uncontainable faith I used to have that I pray so there for God will grant me what I need in this case a positive report from the Dr. Please help me pray for my sanity and my faith and GREAT report from my Dr.
Tuesday - day of just denial and anger
Wednesday - the dreaded test
Thursday - recooperation.
TODAY - well TORTURE
This whole week I have done nothing but lay in my 4yr old daughters bed in the fetal position and sleep and cry. I know it sound really pathetic and I guess it is. I just close the door so no one else can see cause I am ashamed of my behavior.
I finally got my daughter back home with me yesterday and I was so excited I missed her so much. I never spend anytime away from her. She is my little mini me. Everywhere I go, she goes and I love it that way. Sure it is stressful sometimes but that is parenthood. I am trying to keep this mini depression spell under control cause I know I need to be a mom to her. As much as I wanna resort back and be the baby and let it all be about me and my pain and fears, I can't. And its hard!! Anyways I picked her up early from daycare and took her out for ice cream!! Trying to just loose myself in mommyhood with her. But the mall was literally filled with stay at home moms wheeling their babies around in strollers using their other hand to hold their toddlers hand. I know you prob think i just noticed it more just cause of my situation but NO! I opened the door to the ice cream shop and a woman was coming out with newborn triplets BAM right there in my face and it just progressed from there. I just sat in that ice cream shop watching all these happy mothers and trying not to cry and constantly rushing my daughter to finish her blue raspberry sorbet cone. Then she wanted to go play on the play ground but I just couldnt. I wanted to go back home in my dark room and cry. OMG I feel like such a failure as her mother all over again just writing this.
I know I gotta be strong but it is so hard!! I pray constantly. But sadly my faith is so broken right now...I just don't know what or how to pray for what I need. I pray and then constantly second guess myself and my motives and my life. I pray the test results will come back normal and this is all just some crazy nightmare but then immediately turn around and cant stop thinking about what the Dr have said and how mine and MK life may turn out or even what if I loose this baby. I want that crazy uncontainable faith I used to have that I pray so there for God will grant me what I need in this case a positive report from the Dr. Please help me pray for my sanity and my faith and GREAT report from my Dr.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A hard day
It hasnt just been a hard day it has been a hard couple of days. My birthday was on Saturday. I had a very enjoyable evening planned with my man, when he was called in to work ugggh!! Oh well thats life! Him and I went to watch our 4yr old play tball for the very first time that morning WOW I love all these milestones. CHERISH them all!!! Then I spent the evening with friends and it was so nice to relax with good company and no kids!!
See I am 12 weeks pregnant. And Monday morning I woke up sent my daughter off to daycare, promised her that me and daddy would pick her up early and do something FUN tonight. So I leave to met up with her daddy and head to my OB for my 12 week sono. We are sitting there watching the baby listening to the heartbeat. OH FUN FUN! that is always so exciting lol. But then you can just see on the dr face something is wrong and he starts to show us "swelling" or fluid all around the baby's spine. Dr continues to talk in, what I would just call, "medical mumbo jumbo" They called in cystic hygroma. After a tear filled session with two different doctors, they tell me they want to do a CVS (chorionic villi sampling) to get more info. My first thought was ok if you think thats best I'm already here lets go ahead and do it. Then they begin to explain the procedure and suddenly I was just like WTF!! you want to stick a needle through my stomach to pull fluid from the baby!! Hell no I have always heard that is so dangerous. So I walked out of the doctor office and just said NO. By this time it was 4pm and all I can think about is I want to pick up my 4yr old daughter and hug her and hold her. I cried the whole way to the daycare to pick her up (LATE) so confused and scared and frustrated.
I spent the entire next day having mommy daughter time! Just trying to regroup and enjoy life. A dear friend of mine took the day off to just kinda hang with us. And it was awsome to be worry free for just the day. That afternoon I called the specialist back and set up the appt to have the CVS done. Made arrangments for my daughter and to have my sister go to the appt with me. I was up all night talking with my sis in law and googling and praying. Got up the next morning, got dressed woke my daughter up to tell her bye and just completely lost it and cried and then she cried. Poor girl didnt even know why she was crying. I felt like such a horrible mom that I couldnt keep my emotions under control infront of her. I didnt want her to think anything bad was happening.
I cried all the way to my sisters house. I get there we get her son dropped off at daycare and head to the hospital. Telling silly stories about life and laughing trying to keep the mood light. I love my sister she is my rock and the most awsome big sister in the world. The procedure sucked, it was scarey and painful. I closed my eyes as tight as i could, clitch my fist around my sister's hand and just prayed over and over in my head...Lord give me strength and courage...Lord give me strength and courage...Lord give me strength and courage. And then it was done. THANK GOD!
I know today could have been just the first day of a very long road ahead of me and this baby. But I feel like today was huge milestone. And I have faith that this report will be good. Hopefully GREAT. I have asked every one I know and don't know to pray. I am praying and if you are reading this I hope you will join my prayers.
See I am 12 weeks pregnant. And Monday morning I woke up sent my daughter off to daycare, promised her that me and daddy would pick her up early and do something FUN tonight. So I leave to met up with her daddy and head to my OB for my 12 week sono. We are sitting there watching the baby listening to the heartbeat. OH FUN FUN! that is always so exciting lol. But then you can just see on the dr face something is wrong and he starts to show us "swelling" or fluid all around the baby's spine. Dr continues to talk in, what I would just call, "medical mumbo jumbo" They called in cystic hygroma. After a tear filled session with two different doctors, they tell me they want to do a CVS (chorionic villi sampling) to get more info. My first thought was ok if you think thats best I'm already here lets go ahead and do it. Then they begin to explain the procedure and suddenly I was just like WTF!! you want to stick a needle through my stomach to pull fluid from the baby!! Hell no I have always heard that is so dangerous. So I walked out of the doctor office and just said NO. By this time it was 4pm and all I can think about is I want to pick up my 4yr old daughter and hug her and hold her. I cried the whole way to the daycare to pick her up (LATE) so confused and scared and frustrated.
I spent the entire next day having mommy daughter time! Just trying to regroup and enjoy life. A dear friend of mine took the day off to just kinda hang with us. And it was awsome to be worry free for just the day. That afternoon I called the specialist back and set up the appt to have the CVS done. Made arrangments for my daughter and to have my sister go to the appt with me. I was up all night talking with my sis in law and googling and praying. Got up the next morning, got dressed woke my daughter up to tell her bye and just completely lost it and cried and then she cried. Poor girl didnt even know why she was crying. I felt like such a horrible mom that I couldnt keep my emotions under control infront of her. I didnt want her to think anything bad was happening.
I cried all the way to my sisters house. I get there we get her son dropped off at daycare and head to the hospital. Telling silly stories about life and laughing trying to keep the mood light. I love my sister she is my rock and the most awsome big sister in the world. The procedure sucked, it was scarey and painful. I closed my eyes as tight as i could, clitch my fist around my sister's hand and just prayed over and over in my head...Lord give me strength and courage...Lord give me strength and courage...Lord give me strength and courage. And then it was done. THANK GOD!
I know today could have been just the first day of a very long road ahead of me and this baby. But I feel like today was huge milestone. And I have faith that this report will be good. Hopefully GREAT. I have asked every one I know and don't know to pray. I am praying and if you are reading this I hope you will join my prayers.
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