Today is the day I should get my results from the CVS testing. This waiting is torture. I pray that I get a call today and dont have to wait till Monday. I havent been to work in a week. Monday - my "bad news sonogram"
Tuesday - day of just denial and anger
Wednesday - the dreaded test
Thursday - recooperation.
TODAY - well TORTURE
This whole week I have done nothing but lay in my 4yr old daughters bed in the fetal position and sleep and cry. I know it sound really pathetic and I guess it is. I just close the door so no one else can see cause I am ashamed of my behavior.
I finally got my daughter back home with me yesterday and I was so excited I missed her so much. I never spend anytime away from her. She is my little mini me. Everywhere I go, she goes and I love it that way. Sure it is stressful sometimes but that is parenthood. I am trying to keep this mini depression spell under control cause I know I need to be a mom to her. As much as I wanna resort back and be the baby and let it all be about me and my pain and fears, I can't. And its hard!! Anyways I picked her up early from daycare and took her out for ice cream!! Trying to just loose myself in mommyhood with her. But the mall was literally filled with stay at home moms wheeling their babies around in strollers using their other hand to hold their toddlers hand. I know you prob think i just noticed it more just cause of my situation but NO! I opened the door to the ice cream shop and a woman was coming out with newborn triplets BAM right there in my face and it just progressed from there. I just sat in that ice cream shop watching all these happy mothers and trying not to cry and constantly rushing my daughter to finish her blue raspberry sorbet cone. Then she wanted to go play on the play ground but I just couldnt. I wanted to go back home in my dark room and cry. OMG I feel like such a failure as her mother all over again just writing this.
I know I gotta be strong but it is so hard!! I pray constantly. But sadly my faith is so broken right now...I just don't know what or how to pray for what I need. I pray and then constantly second guess myself and my motives and my life. I pray the test results will come back normal and this is all just some crazy nightmare but then immediately turn around and cant stop thinking about what the Dr have said and how mine and MK life may turn out or even what if I loose this baby. I want that crazy uncontainable faith I used to have that I pray so there for God will grant me what I need in this case a positive report from the Dr. Please help me pray for my sanity and my faith and GREAT report from my Dr.
Let me start by saying I love you and your Blog, and there is nothing to be ashamed of you are human, and you are doing a fantastic job with everything! Everyone cries, everyone has to have time to them selves, your behavior is normal, if you hold it all in it would not be healthy. You are STRONG and you have lots of COURAGE! You my dear are a FANTASTIC mother, not a failure at all! Don’t ever say that! You are by far one of the most Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious moms ever ,(yes its from Mary Poppins,) but look at the meaning (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious ----- The roots of the word has been defined[3] as follows: super- "above", cali- "beauty", fragilistic- "delicate", expiali- "to atone", and docious- "educable",). This fits you to the T. you are strong, amazing, and just everything this says. MK and Baby are so very blessed to have you as Mommy. I thought of a song as I read your blog. I am posting the lyrics you should you tube it and listen to it. It will make you cry, but a good cry, it made me realize that even though sometimes I don’t exactly know if I am praying the exact right prayer, God hears my every prayer and knows exactly what my heart is trying to say even if I don’t know the words to use. And as you listen to the song you will get more out of it than just that. I know I did. Also always remember I am only a phone call away!
ReplyDeleteHere are the lyrics, and the title, artist
Better than a Hallelujah
By Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
A mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
(Better than a Hallelujah sometimes)
Better than a Hallelujah
(Better than a Hallelujah sometimes)